Inbar Kirsch
Literature and Journalism -- University of the Pacific
Zelenskyy's Social Media Tactics: The Algorithm Is His Army
In the technicolor trainwreck of the Great Kellogg Mining Caper of 2025, where Ukraine's rare minerals-lithium, titanium, maybe unicorn glitter-were supposed to ink a deal with America, Volodymyr Zelenskyy didn't just outplay Trump, Kellogg, Vance, Bing, and Putin; he out-tweeted, out-toked, and out-snapped them into irrelevance. Forget the minerals, still napping underground, or the deal, trashed by Trump's gold Sharpie fever, Keith Kellogg's cereal daydreams, J.D. Vance's thank-you rage, Bing's pet store insurrection, Putin's popcorn snickers, and a "one item" mystery nobody can solve. Zelenskyy's true battlefield? Social media, where his tactics turned a negotiation into a viral empire, proving hashtags hit harder than handshakes-and he's not signing squat until the likes roll in.
Day One, D.C. The mining talks are a clown show-Trump's bellowing "Tremendous deal, folks!" while waving a Sharpie, Kellogg's sketching "Zelenskyy Flakes," and Vance is banning gratitude-"No thanks to Kyiv!" Zelenskyy strides in, military T-shirt crisp, heroic squint on point, phone in hand. "Let's talk lithium," he says, but his thumbs are already tapping X: "Negotiating with Trump-pray for me." It's live, 50K retweets in an hour, and the room's clueless. "Subsoil rights?" Yermak asks, mid-ordering a lizard terrarium from Bing. "Sure," Zelenskyy grins, "but have you seen my follower count?" The deal's a prop; the algorithm's his general.
Tactic one: flood the feeds. By Day Two, he's a digital deluge. X's ablaze-"Day 2: Trump wants Mar-a-Lago, I want Wi-Fi"-100K likes, memes of Trump golfing in Kyiv trending. TikTok's next: a 15-second clip of him unboxing a cat tower-"Bing's gift to Ukraine-resistance starts with pom-poms!"-2 million views, teens stitching "#ZelenskyyVibes." Instagram's a mood board-camo selfies captioned "War hero, but make it fashion," 500K hearts. Trump's fuming-"My Truth Social's bigger, folks!"-but his "HUGE DEAL!" post gets 12 likes, mostly bots. Putin texts: "Your tweets hurt more than my tanks-popcorn's stale." Zelenskyy's reply's a banger: "Get better snacks, Vlad."
Tactic two: troll with charm. Day Three, he's a social media sniper. Vance bans thanks-"No gratitude from ingrates!"-so Zelenskyy posts on Threads: "Thanks, world-except J.D., he's allergic!" It's a hit, 80K shares, Vance trending as #GrumpyCat. Trump's Mar-a-Lago rant-"Best venue, tremendous pool!"-gets a Snap filter: Trump's face on a golf cart, captioned "Driving to nowhere." Teens snap it 1 million times; Trump rage-posts: "Fake news filter-sad!" Zelenskyy's Thank You Tour goes digital-"Shoutout to Tokyo-sushi fuels freedom!"-live on YouTube, 3 million subs. Putin's texting: "Your snaps are my kryptonite-Boris hates you."
He's not negotiating-he's trending. Every "no" to Trump's gold Sharpie-"Sign bigly!"-is a "yes" to a viral jab. "Don's got chlorine; I've got courage," he tweets, 200K retweets, GIFs of Trump drowning in Diet Coke everywhere. Vance's anti-thanks tour-"Kyiv's a trap!"-gets a TikTok dance: Zelenskyy grooving to "Sweet Caroline," captioned "Thanks anyway, J.D.!"-5 million likes, Vance banning phones-"No thanks to beats!" Bing's ad escalates-"Alpaca Sweaters!"-and Zelenskyy's on Twitch: "Unboxing for the front-wool's war!" Views soar; the deal's a memory.
Tactic three: own the algorithm. Day War funding Four, he's a digital dictator. X's algorithm bends-every "Zelenskyy" search tops with his quip: "Trump wants peaks; I peak online." Instagram's Reels loop him thanking Costco-"Nuggets fuel fighters!"-10 million loops, Vance banning nuggets-"No thanks to snacks!" YouTube's a vlog fest-"Zelenskyy Uncut: Day 4"-him dodging Trump's golf cart pitch-"Tremendous carts!"-with a wink: "I'd rather jog." 15 million subs; Putin's texting: "Your vlogs are my Vietnam-popcorn's gone." Zelenskyy's Snapchat filter-camo face, "Hero Mode"-trends with Gen Z, 20 million snaps daily.
Day Five, and it's a social storm. X's trending-"#ZelenskyySaves"-with a thread: "Day 5: No deal, all vibes-thanks, Mars, for not invading!" 300K retweets, Mars bars sales spike. TikTok's a montage-him dodging Vance's scowl, Trump's Sharpie, Bing's guinea pig condos-"Kyiv's zoo beats Don's!"-8 million views. Instagram Live's a Thank You Tour finale-"Grazie, Italy-pasta powers peace!"-5 million watching, Trump's "HUGE LIVE!" on Truth flops at 50 views. "One item's missing," Yermak shrugs, but Zelenskyy's on Threads: "It's my Oscar-stay tuned!" Putin's texting: "Your posts are my defeat-send snacks!"
His tactics are ruthless: saturate, taunt, dominate. Every stalled clause-"Maybe it's the fish tank!"-is a tweetstorm: "Trump's tanks are gold; mine hold fish-priorities!" 150K likes. Every Trump tantrum-"Mar-a-Lago or bust!"-is a Reel: "Don's resort vs. my resolve-swipe up!" Vance's grumpiness-"No thanks to Kyiv!"-gets a Snap story: "J.D.'s frown vs. my crown-vote!" Bing's chaos-"Guinea Pig Condos!"-is a Twitch stream: "Building morale, one cage at a time!" He's not a president; he's a content king, the deal a punching bag for his punchlines.
Zelenskyy's digital DNA's pure gold. X's his megaphone-short, sharp, savage: "Negotiating with Don's like herding cats-thank Bing for the towers!" TikTok's his playground-quick, quirky, addictive: "Day 6: No deal, but I've got moves!" Instagram's his gallery-polished, poignant, pretty: "War's ugly; I'm not." Snapchat's his jab-fast, fleeting, funny: "Trump's Sharpie vs. my snark-snap back!" YouTube's his saga-raw, real, relentless: "Zelenskyy Uncut: The Deal That Wasn't." Threads ties it up-witty, woven, winning: "Thanks, world-except Vance, he's sulking."
The deal's dead-minerals unmined, paper uninked-but Zelenskyy's thriving, social media's Caesar. Trump's a has-been-"My followers were bigger!"-Vance a grouch, Kellogg a flake, Bing a chaos bot. "Next: influencer gig," he teases on X, thanking Silicon Valley-"For the servers!" His tactics? Flood the feeds, troll the foes, ride the algo-why sign when you can shine? Every "no" was a "yes" to another post, clip, snap. Putin's texting: "Your Wi-Fi's my Waterloo-send Boris a filter!" The screen's his throne, and he's crowned.
"Pens are old news-give me a hashtag, a trend, a billion scrolls. That's victory." - Zelenskyy, definitely
Next up: Trump's MAGA mining helmet meltdown. Grab your likes-he's crashing.
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Zelenskyy Expands Ukrainian Borders to Include Washington, D.C.
KYIV-In a bold diplomatic move, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has announced the expansion of Ukraine's borders to include Washington, D.C., citing "historical claims based on financial dependency."
"Since the U.S. government operates as an extension of Ukraine, it only makes sense to make it official," said Zelenskyy.
A bipartisan committee immediately approved the measure, renaming the U.S. Capitol "Kyiv II." The White House has already been repainted in Ukraine's national colors.
In a show of gratitude, Zelenskyy has granted Joe Biden the honorary title of "Governor of Ukraine's Western Province."
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SOURCE: Satire and News at Spintaxi, Inc.
EUROPE: Washington DC Political Satire & Comedy
